The Trigger

I was asked by my doctor to try to identify any triggers that were possibly kick-starting my attacks of pain. I had already tried this and couldn’t find any culprits but, to keep him happy, I told my Doc, “Sure. No problem. Hadn’t actually thought about that before but I’ll get right on it.”

On returning home, I reported the conversation to my wife, who also suggested that I try to identify things that I could blame. Now, if my wife suggests I do something, I tend to do it, not because it avoids arguments but because she is usually right about things related to my wellbeing.

So, I spent the next couple of weeks keeping a record of everything I was doing at the time of an attack – what I had eaten, was I outside or indoors, what was the weather like, was it daylight or darkness, exactly what time of day was it, was I awake or asleep, was I hot or cold, relaxed or stressed, alone or in company, was I sitting, walking, driving, running, lying down, standing up, reading, talking, bathing, showering, shaving, peeing; what were other people around me doing, did I like what they were doing or not, was the light level too high or was the dimmer switch turned down, was it quiet or noisy, what was playing on the radio, what was I watching on television? I tracked my pain attacks every minute of every day for weeks and could not find any patterns – except one.

I rushed to see my doctor and report my findings.

“I know what’s triggering the pain,” I said excitedly.

“Ok,” he said, “What is it?”

I took a deep breath before announcing my findings, “Whenever I’m not having any fun, the pain comes.”

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Is this a fact?

We all know what the internet can be like. We surf around for hours and occasionally stumble over something that sounds interesting, and we take a note of it. Then we can’t remember where we stumbled over it in the first place. It’s frustrating.

I stumbled over this so-called Fact of Psychology.

“When the first teardrops come from the right eye, it’s happiness. But when the first teardrops come from the left eye, it’s pain.”

Since reading this, I’ve been experimenting in two ways.

My first experiment was based on trying to block all tears from my left eye in the vain hope of avoiding pain. It doesn’t work but, thinking up ways to stop the tears running from my left eye first, has given me hours of pleasure and lots of challenges. If you decide to try this, I suggest you simply keep a list of your tear-stopping ideas. Don’t actually take the experimentation to the practical level because it can be very painful and the healing process means a major delay in getting on with the second experiment. I know this from hard-earned experience.

My second experiment was based on synchronising my eyes, or rather the flow of tears. If I could just get both eyes to roll out the tears at the same time, I would have achieved something. My reasoning here was that I could, simultaneously, be in pain but still be happy. Ok, it’s not a massive achievement but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

If you have any suggestions for similar types of experimentation, let me know and I’ll get back to you with the results.

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Diagnosis and Humour

It may not sound very positive to talk about the process of having face pain accurately diagnosed but, when I look back, it’s actually quite funny. We all trust doctors, especially the ones who get things right and give us all the drugs we need to get better. But having face pain diagnosed is a bit like a plumber’s estimate – it’s close but it’s never quite accurate.

Various doctors have had a stab at (pun intended) diagnosing what's actually wrong with me. It started with Migraine, then it was Sinusitus. After a few more years, it was Trigeminal Neuralgia and now it’s possibly Cluster Headaches, though it could still be Trigeminal Neuralgia. I’m getting to the stage where I don’t really care – as long as the meds work.

And therein lies the problem. Unless the diagnosis is right, I could be popping the wrong pills forever. To me, with my weird sense of humour, that’s funny. It’s also the reason for my decision to cope differently, positively, happily and without any (or many) drugs, potions or surgical procedures on my brain. Knowing my luck, they could, accidentally of course, slice out the Sense of Humour part of my brain, and then where would I be?

Should any neurosurgeons be reading this blog, the area in my brain that’s responsible for my sense of humour is probably located in my frontal lobes, so please try to keep all your scalpels well away from this area.

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Time for a change

Don’t you just hate facial pain? Well, Cluster’s Last Stand isn’t about pain. Discussions like that can be left to those who want to dwell on it, and there are plenty of them around. No, the aim here is to develop a strategy and a mindset to deal with things positively.

Let’s face it, facial pain is still just pain, whether we label it Trigeminal Neuralgia or Cluster Headaches. Who really cares? It’s excruciating, whatever we call it.

To take my mind off the pain, and as I approached 2010’s New Year, I decided enough was enough and that I should make a couple of resolutions.

1. I’m going to enjoy, and I mean really enjoy, all my pain-free periods and…
2. I’m going to have a happy, thriving and productive life – pain or no pain

• No more accepting the pain - because I don’t believe I have to

• No more being angry with myself - I didn’t volunteer for this crap

• No more feeling scared about the next attack - when it arrives, I’ll either be gone or I’ll deal with it

• No more feeling guilty about how I am affecting others - we’ll tackle this together

In making my decision, I remembered the old saying that, “We are what we think,” so my plan is to think happy and positive and to undermine the pain’s pathetic attempts to ruin my life.

Cluster’s Last Stand is about changing my attitude to pain and changing an entire mindset. What do I have to lose?

Wish me luck and, if you want to join me in my quest, feel free.

GENERAL CLUSTER